Photographed a photographer
A lot things happened today made me feel hopeless. It even made me lose the courage to face tomorrow, to go to church and to see my God mom.
It seems that each and every aspect of my life at this stage needs a solution. The tricky part is that I know there is no solution but I am still looking for. An inner anxiety kills my cheerfulness, kills my smile, and kills almost everything beautiful. Is this part of growing up? Shall I face all of them peaceful and believe this is the way that ought to be? This moment, I feel lonely, as I have nowhere to seek for advices. I don’t know whom to talk to. It doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends but not a proper one to bear such deepness and heaviness.
Different people have a different level of life richness. Richness refers to the amount of experiences here, instead of monetary wealth. To someone looking from outside, the richer, the more attractive the person is. However, the person who has a richer life suffers more. He suffers in a way that outside people cannot understand. In contrast, this person seems to be a very calm person from other people’s view. Often I heard people’s comments, “oh, you are like a care-free girl” “I think you are calm and quiet all the time” “you always like someone who can handle lots of things calmly”…When I share more about myself, I heard “I don’t know you are so crazy, girl” “What? why do you do this?” “wow, this happened to you before…” I feel difficult to continue a conversation then….When I met Ariana, a lovely girl, we became good friends very fast just because her responses were “yeah, I know how that feel. It is like ….(her own experiences)…” and my responses to her stories were like “oh dear, I know how you feel exactly …(as I have similar experiences)…” Nothing in me seems extraordinary, nothing in her seems astonishing. Conversation continues and friendship goes deeper and deeper.
I don’t know what I am talking about. Being calm and being able to face and handle lots of things and people and situations are not some innate capability. The reason that someone seems calm is because he has been through wilder situations. CEOs have more inner struggles. They are INNER struggles. When I was young, over a casual dinner, a boss (dad’s friend) patted my head and said to me with tears in eyes, “babe, I smile at daytime, crying at night inside my blanket. It’s so shameful and I don’t dare to say to anyone including my wife. Only to your dad and you. You are still young. Sigh…”He is the kind of every-girl-wanted man in today’s words.
It seems to be true that no pay, no gain. Less struggles, less richness. No more complains on the struggles coming into my life. It’s my choice. I can choose to lead a 9am-5pm life with little richness. However, I am not designed in that way. Pay more struggles, gain a richer life.
